Believe it or not, this is a fairly common question that I get from my female readers. Maybe the most difficult part of the problem is that it can be hard to admit to your partner that you even have this desire…even hard to admit to yourself. Asking to be tied up can make many women feel as uncomfortable as the first time they talked dirty to their partners (by the way, if you’re still trying to learn how to do that, I highly recommend the popular Dirty Dialogue; you’ll drive your man wild with the tips in this book!).
It’s the kind of fantasy that makes some women think: “Oh no, is there something wrong with me? Do I have self-esteem issues? Am I sexually messed up?”
Being tied up, or some variation of being “out of control” sexually is one of the most common of all female fantasies. So first let’s look at the reason that so many women enjoy this fantasy…
It’s not the ropes and handcuffs that are sexy, nor is it the desire to be abused or punished that generally fires this fantasy in so many women. It is the desire to be “dominated.” Women crave a man who can master them. This is partly some kind of instinct from an earlier time, partly the normal feminine arousal for masculine strength, partly the desire for “sex roles.” By sex roles, I mean the DIFFERENCE between men and women. Because in the modern world, we have become too much the same.
Men and women are of equal VALUE, but it’s really very obvious that we are not “equal.” Equal means “same,” and clearly we are NOT the SAME…and when we try to be, it takes all the fun out of it.
When a man is more dominant in the sexual interaction, it reinforces his male sex role. And for a woman, this tends to bring out powerful feminine sexual instincts and pleasures. Another reason that many women fantasize about being tied up is that they can fully let go of their inhibitions because “it’s not their fault.” For many women, even the most liberal, progressive, open-minded women, it’s difficult to just completely release themselves into sexual pleasure because there is still the “guilt” of being a “bad girl” for letting it happen.
Being tied up removes that barrier.
By that reasoning, it’s not YOU that’s messed up…it’s our culture. But rather than look for why it is or isn’t right or wrong…why not just enjoy it? Consenting adults get to enjoy all sorts of things in fantasy that we would not welcome in the real world. Like kids playing cops and robbers…it’s fun to play, but in reality, nobody actually wants to be in a gunfight.
So, okay, I’ve convinced you that wanting to be tied up is pretty common for women…but your question is, how to get your GUY to want to do it, too. The funny thing is, far fewer men are into this fantasy than women. Or, if they are into it, it’s even harder for them to admit. Men have learned to be ashamed of many of their more masculine traits. We were told not to make too much noise in school, no fighting, and, most of all, you have to be “nice” to girls.
And it’s hard for men to wrap their brains around the idea that “tying up” could ever be “nice.” Plus, the more a man likes you, the more he will feel awkward about doing something that seems, on the surface, demeaning to you. So what’s a girl to do?
Fortunately, it’s easier than you think. You’ve just got to ease them into it instead of springing it on them all at once. Showing up on a date with a bunch of rope is weird. And that’s why most women resort to making little jokes about it and hoping that the guy will maybe catch on and take the bait.
- Start gradually. Start by telling him that you want him to hold your wrists down during sex. Tell him it feels good to feel his strength and you like having something to struggle against. Struggle a bit (don’t emasculate him by actually escaping…you want it to be fun for him, too!) Make the kinds of sounds that let him know that it really turned you on. Tell him afterwards that it was really hot. Men, like all creatures, like positive reinforcement. Then, if he seems to like it, too (he probably will), build the fantasy for him.
- Build the fantasy. DON’T make it a joke or overly playful. That’s emotionally safer for you, but it feels like a trap to a guy. He doesn’t want to admit to having these feelings either. He LIKES you. He wants you to think he’s a gentleman. Tell him outright that it makes you really hot to fantasize about him tying you down so that no matter how much you struggled, you would be helpless…that he could do anything he wanted to you…and you’d be helpless. Tell him in a way that makes him hard just thinking about it.
- Only discuss it at the right time. Tell him this in bed or some other sexually charged moment–that is, when his ANIMAL brain is engaged–it’s NOT good coffee conversation when his intellectual brain is engaged. It turns out that our thoughts and our judgments are extremely different depending upon our emotional state. And that’s because we are accessing completely different regions of our brain. That’s why when you are turned on, you sometimes fantasize about being tied up, but the next day, when you’re not turned on, you might be embarrassed that you had those thoughts in the first place. So while it’s tempting to have this conversation when you are both feeling stable and rational, it just won’t go over the same way. Don’t discuss having him hold your wrists down BEFORE sex…do it when you are already in the middle of hot sex. He’ll show up the next weekend with the proper hardware and props.
- Don’t be a dumb-ass (for men). Now, for the men reading along, the stuff that I’m talking about is a very powerful female fantasy, but please don’t be a dumb-ass about it and take this to mean that “physical restraint” is a great idea with the girl you just started dating. We are talking about FANTASY here. To be clear: USING FORCE IS NEVER OKAY. Not only is it wrong, it can land you in jail. In the context of a loving and trusting relationship, there are concepts of “giving permission” and “taking responsibility” when it comes to the emotional aspects of women experiencing levels of pleasure that are, frankly, scary for them… and that’s what this is really all about. It is about EARNING sexual trust, not about forcing anything. And that only happens through sexual confidence, sexual trust and intimacy.
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Alex Allman is the author of "Revolutionary Sex: How To Give A Woman The Mind-Blowing Sexual Experience She’s Always Dreamed Of."